Pendragon:: A short history 1978 - 2005

1978

My 1st wife and I were living in an average middle class suburb in the Midwest. A warm spring day and my brother was passing through. He pulls out this picture of somebody's feet and starts going on about this guru muktasomething or other and how we should really check it out. Working in the mental health field, I did a quick mental status exam and concluded that my brother appeared as sane as the rest of us. The concept of a guru was not foreign to me, having read my share of the `Be Here Now' genre over the years. I just figured all the gurus were in India and that's were you needed to go if you wanted one.


1979

My brother took myself and some family members to S. Fallsburgh to meet Muktananda. I was completely skeptical and definitely not in the mood for spirituality of any kind, being an ex-catholic and pretty pragmatic about life. I went because my brother had asked. Little did I know what my brother was hoping would happen, he kept that part of it a secret. He was hoping we'd get hooked. He only had our best interests in mind after all.

I wonder if I would have gone if I knew then, what I know now? Probably, just to check it out. I wonder if I would have still gotten hooked? Who's to say.

Well, I was astonished watching Muk walk into the room. Having completed my bachelors degree in psychedelic studies, it was clear that someone or something from those realms had just floated into the room. It was that magical feeling and the seduction of an instant community, that initially engaged me and kept me coming back. Just like instant oatmeal, or was it sour cereal? Which I still miss.

In the end, both wives, my mother, step-mother, father, sister, other brother and step-sister all joined up. I introduced my friends and co-workers whenever I thought it would be a positive experience.

I got the obligatory spiritual name from Muktananda that happened to end in ananda, like the names given to swamis, and legally changed to that name. I loved that name, exotic and a flair of being special.

After moving from the Midwest to the East coast, the local ashram became instant family. It was a vulnerable time in my life. A new place to live, no friends and a new job.

My first wife and I eventually moved into the ashram and the next couple of years still give me fond memories despite all that I have come to learn about cults in general, the abuse in SY in particular, the addictiveness of the `shakti' (for lack of a better word) and my own emotional self.

I craved the structure and the community provided everything from how to think, how to talk, how to feel. and if there was pain in your life, just chant it away into a daze.


1982

Muktananda died and I went to Ganeshpuri and fell in love all over again. I had undertaken a pilgrimage and come to another cosmos. I found India to be this illogical quilt of color and smells with people living on the sidewalks, cows walking wherever and this attitude that all was as it was meant to be.

Now I had two gurus, little did I know what was around the bend, things were not well in lokaland. The sister & brother fought as most brothers and sisters do, but it was for our souls and our money.

After Nity “stepped down” (kicked down) I spent the next years trying to piece together the puzzle of perfection: if Nity was the guru and the guru is perfect and he "fell" then what does that say about gurumayi? Is she perfect? How can I trust her? And then what about Muk putting him on the throne? The years that followed were pure agony.

I started hearing about the sex rumors with Muk, and didn’t believe them. At the time, my take on it was that a person couldn't abuse other people and hold the shakti at the same time, as the shakti was inherently a positive moral and conscious force in the universe. If you strayed from that path the shakti would leave, just like it did for Nity, as I thought I saw later.

I divorced, which would have happened many years earlier if not for SY. We had hidden from each other there. She was spending summers in S. Fallsburgh, I doing my seva in the world. Time moved on and I continued to attend the ashram but lived outside now. A new wife, who was not in SY and at first resistant to it. We explored the energy we generated, hung out with the crystals, dolphins, did sweat lodges on Mt. Shasta and spent time with a psychic healer. SY was in the background but not gone.


1987

My stepmother took us to a program at Stanford university. We saw Shanks (Swami Shankarananda aka Russell Rickman) hosting a program with a beaten down Nityananda playing the drums, it was depressing. It was clear Shanks was into it way more than Nity. I was embarrassed and felt sorry for him.

And to think I kissed his feet in Ganeshpuri after Muk died. I had so much love & devotion & so much desire to please, it makes me sick now to see how much need I had & how easily I allowed myself to be manipulated. No wonder I was so angry when I left, feeling so betrayed.

In the end, I went back to lala land and decided that the test would be what I experienced there. Well, I was doomed before I even got there. Plugging back into the shakti grid was like taking a hit of your favorite drug. Meditating in the temple, which I helped build, a yagna, lots of chanting & darshan and I was hooked again. But despite the high, I could never shake the doubts.

My step-mother introduced me to Ammachi & Karunamayi and I thought well maybe this is it. No controversy, no scandals and no pressure about how you looked or about the money, which I gave to SY even though I didn’t really have it. I talked to them both about the issues in SY, told them about the Muktananda sex scandals and was accepted with open arms.

Friends left SY, I talked to people who had helped burn the `O Guru' article on SY's order and read the AOL boards. I turned in my keys to SY, told them I had a new guru and was on my way. As an afterthought I decided to put the `O Guru' article on the internet so everyone could see it, the beginnings of the LSY website.


I spoke to some family. My mother’s response was that she had heard about the sexual contact between Muk and the women but that since he didn’t ejaculate it wasn’t for his own pleasure, so it was ok. She didn’t believe children were involved. Besides, he was dead, so what’s the problem. Clearly she didn’t want her world view disturbed.


1996

17 years later. I reincarnated as Pendragon with 2 gurus and took up the fight.

I was surprised at the traffic the website received, emails from people confused, angry, depressed, concerned about loved ones and telling secrets about SY that had yet to be revealed. I wanted to help everyone who wrote and lost myself, again.


1997

I started a newsgroup in an attempt to bring together those on AOL and those who were emailing me. The newsgroup, heavily trolled, moved to an email list and after several evolutions became exSY.


Most of the time running the website was good. I felt as if I was giving back to those I had taken into SY. It felt good, trying to hold SY responsible in my own small way. It also became a burden, people angry at what I was doing, both those who had left and those still in.

My time with Ammachi, whom I considered my primary guru, and Karunamayi was good. It was relaxed and personal. After all those crowds at SY, it was a relief. Perfection was possible after all. Then my stepmother was killed. I was devastated. She was very close to Ammachi and had brought me to her. Ammachi was coming to the area. I took my stepmothers picture to Ammachi for her blessings and some relief. But I found that she was not perfect either. She didn't know her and gave me some standard line about how everything was ok for my stepmother. I felt nothing from her.

Shit, shit, shit - I had allowed myself to be taken in again.

I don't think any of us went there with the plan of joining a cult, I know I didn't and with a background in mental health, I thought I was immune to such a thing. I remember from a conference on cults that groups like this often do their best recruiting when a person is suffering a loss or going through a difficult time. For me, it was moving to a new area, twice. That's the external element of it and I continue to examine why I was susceptible, what part of me needed to be filled.

So, the guru was not perfect, none of them. Even Shanks admitted that Muk's having sex, was a mistake. Well if there was a mistake once, then it could and would happen again. With no mechanism of feedback built into any of these groups, I felt doomed. I remember a piece I read in Chuck's (Master Charles) book about his seeing Muk having sex. He was distraught. Then Chuck saw Muk the next day as glorious as ever, full of shakti. Chuck's conclusion was that since Muk was still in the shakti that the behavior must be moral.

Chuck was wrong of course. I think Chuck went with this to keep himself from freaking out as he had started to do. Think about it, giving up everything, being a swami for all those years & seeing that your god was just another person lying to us all.

What this told me and what I also began to suspect based on my own explorations, was that shakti (or whatever you want to call it) was just another part of nature, like the wind, in itself amoral and was not conscious.

It can be used in any way chosen by the group or individual. This explained how Muk's incredible power, was able to co-exist with his predilection for young girls.

So, with what I learned about gurus, I took the next logical step and applied it to the concept of god (or whatever you want to call it).

If the gurus were not perfect, perhaps we had done the same to gods, putting them on a pedestal. Guru's, churches and the idea of god (insert here any old or new name you want) all seemed to give me (and most of mankind I think) solace and security. Whether it is the promise of heaven or breaking the bonds of reincarnation, I believe it is simply something to hang onto in the face of fear and difficulties in one’s life and in the end, the ultimate fear: death.

Another part of having a god was my need to have something to believe in, to have some guiding moral force in the world that would explain the evil (for lack of a better word and by no means equating it with a supernatural being) and the tragedy in the world.

It's interesting to look at the world's religions, past and present. There have been thousands of gods over the years. I wonder what happens to the gods when the religions fade away. Do the gods die? Do they get lonely? Do they visit and brag about how many converts they have today?


I know I’m putting human characteristics on the idea of something many people consider so much greater than human, but isn't that what we've always done? When's the last time a god spoke to you? Was it god or your own mind talking? It always freaked me out when someone in SY would say `she spoke to me'. Like on the inter-galaxy phone?

Things really got rough for me then. The death of my stepmother, no more guru, no more gods, just me and a few loved ones in my life. Oh, did I mention that every `friend' I had in SY was nowhere to be found. I struggled with depression for quiet a time. My therapist read this sentence in a book and thought of me: "He had also discovered the outermost limit of faith and, in doing so, had located the exact boundary of despair. " - Mary Doria Russell, The Sparrow.

This book, and it's sequel, Children of God, touched me deeply. The depths of despair that Emilio traveled spoke volumes to me. I can't recommend them highly enough.

The LSY email list became too much. I did what I though was best at the time. I had asked for and received much input from the members in an attempt to make it work. I think in the world of instant gratification that email provides, the lack of nonverbal cues, interacting with people with no prior relationship in the world, and dealing with such an emotional issue, it was inevitable that conflict would ensue.

The AOL boards were moderated and even exSY, despite saying it's not, is moderated in it's own way. at any rate, I’m glad to see some place of relative calm where people can discuss these issues.


2001

I closed the LSY email list and gave the LSY website to Dan Shaw. There had been many nights I had thought about just deleting them both. Many thanks to Dan for his support and taking on the website.

I’m also sorry for anything I might have done that imposed upon anyone.

I’ve followed the list & site off and on over the years. I’ve tried to explain to people what it's like to have been in a cult and they look at me like I’ve got two heads. They think of Jim Jones or Heavens Gate, where people ended up dead. SY is clearly not as bad as some, but it's done it's damage.


2004

My mother died. She apparently had stopped taking her medications for a heart condition at the advice of a channeler, who was of course happy to take her money. Pictures of the guru’s remained on her dresser, next to some people I didn’t know. I was tempted for a minute to start a campaign about those new scam artists, but it’s not my fight anymore.


2005

In the end, I came to believe that all I have, that all that I can count on is myself, my family and friends. I enjoy nature, but do not worship it. I practice qi gong, for it's health and relaxation benefits and spend my time taking photos of the beauty around me. Target shooting has also been an interesting blend of stillness, action and art.

I still struggle with the things that I miss, things that are seductive: getting high from the long hours of chanting, the smell of the incense, the ritual of the yagna, the colors in India, the dozen gods to pick from, like which flavor of tea to have on a cold morning, feeling special. Well today instead, I read the paper, went for a walk with my wife, enjoyed the neighborhood, took some photos, and did some writing.

My stepmother is still dead. She never contacted any of us after she died, and believe me if there was a way she could, she would have. My father moved on to a Methodist church, my sister still has the pictures up, but doesn't go. My stepsister is hanging around Chuck, one foot in, one foot out. My wife left shortly after I did. My other brother is working on his recovery.

My brother who brought us all into SY was kicked out, he had become insane. After living in the ashram for so many years, giving them everything he had they did nothing to help him. Where was the compassion when he needed it most? I miss him to this day.

I am still leaving SY and all that it represents. The other morning I was walking to work and heard a flock of birds in the pre-dawn sky singing in a tree overhead – reminding me of the birds in the pre-dawn morning in Ganeshpuri. Last night I dreamt I was doing seva, and even in the dream I wondered why I was there since I had long left.


Pendragon ~ September 2005